Grace moments...

I haven't posted for awhile because I just didn't think I could.  There's that saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  Well, I haven't had a whole lot of nice to say!  I feel guilty even writing that because there is ALWAYS something nice to say.

So, as I sit here tonight, my mouth is full of ulcers from a medication called methotrexate.  This medication is used to treat cancer and also rheumatoid arthritis.  WAIT!  Hold up.  CaNcEr??  With side effects like ulcers, hair loss, skin rash and diarrhea, to name a few, I wasn't too thrilled.  However, it meant that I could get off of steroids and with my increasingly unpredictable behavior, that seemed like a good idea.  I only have one more treatment...hopefully!

I have had some good days but more bad than good.  Often the pain is jolting and while I have become used to it, my face tells a different tale.  It is difficult to hide when you are in pain.  I have tried to plow on and haven't missed any work (pat on the shoulder!), maintained an acceptable home, kept the laundry done and most importantly, Ellie's litter box is sparkling clean!

Sometimes no matter how strong, faithful or positive we try to be, we can get that choking feeling.  Choking = worry, fear, shame, doubt, anxiety, hopelessness and stress.  I know I feel choked about a lot of things right now.

"We have to depend on God and not our own wisdom for our journey."

"God, take what is broken in me - I am who you say I am."

And when I give thanks for the seemingly microscopic, I make a place for God to grow within me.  This, this, makes me full, and I "magnify him with thanksgiving" (Psalm 69:30), and God enters the world.

Gratitude in the midst of death, divorce, illness or debt - that's the language I've got to learn to speak - because that's the kind of life I'm living, the kind I have to solve.  We must learn to be grateful and happy, whether hands full or hands empty, hearts happy or sad and whether we are with illness or well.

What I have learned...

~ ~ We control so little.  Really.  It's God who decides it all.  Not us.
~ ~ I can't write this story differently - it was written for me a long time ago by Him
~ ~ I have learned to be content with whatever I have
~ ~ To name grace moments

Kristi

Too soon, too fast.

I got too excited, too fast,  Too hopeful, too fast.  I am hurting and it has been a difficult day.  Bummed.  Frustrated. 

The sweet, sweet taste of Relief

Oh my goodness!  It is amazing what a difference just 4 or 5 days can make.

I started a round of Prednisone last Thursday and I am happy to say that I am much improved.  You know, at some point, the body has to get some relief. I believe that the mind is working overload also.   I know for myself, I was trying to process in my mind how was I going to continue to deal with such physical pain for an extended period of time.  I knew that my focus would have to be God and prayer.  I was taking every distraction out of my life that I could. . . facebook, talking on the phone, going outside of the house for nothing except work and any other isolation that I could think of that might distract me from my focus.  To be honest I worried that I wasn't going to make it.  Some might think that is odd, I mean we aren't talking about an amputated leg or some horrifyingly aggressive "monster inside of me" kind of situation!

This whole situation does have me thinking though.  I wonder if we have challenges in life because we need a wake up call?  What does it say about our character how we react to challenges?  You know, "God never gives us more than we can handle."

"Blessed be the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."     James 1:12

My husband's mother, Mary, was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we were married.  It was just 5 short months later that she passed.  Such a terrible loss.  She NEVER complained!  I know she had to have been in horrible pain - she was on morphine shortly after her diagnosis but she was so graceful.  So accepting of her unwelcome fate.  What a lady.

I want to be that way everyday.

One more thing....

"I don't want to wait anymore.  I choose to believe that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day.  I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold.  The big moments are the daily tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another.  That's the drama of life, swirling all around us, and generally I don't even see it, because I am too busy waiting to become whatever it is that I think I am about to become.  The big moments are in every hour, every conversation, every meal, every meeting."

~ Cold tangerines by Shauna Niequist

Hopeful......Grateful......Faithful

Today was my BIG day!  Yesterday, I stayed home from work nursing the cold that my husband shared with me when I received a phone call from the arthritis specialist.  Can you come in on Thursday?  What?  YES, I can come in on Thursday!  I would have jumped for joy but the truth is that I am in no physical state to jump BUT my heart was jumping with happiness.

 This is Ellie keeping me company while I rested.  Believe it or not, 

she will start sneezing if we are sick!

So, I call my sweet husband, I call my friend Donna and my Aunt & Uncle to tell them all the good news.  A "time sensitive" email was sent out to our Bible group to let them know as well.  And I let work know that I would be late.  Whew!

This morning we met with Dr. Coutlakis, who is awesome by the way, and he basically told me to start talking, he typed and interjected if he had any questions.  This went on for about an hour.  He did  a quick exam and sent me off for blood work.  He made some adjustments in medication and started me on something new.  Without the benefit of knowing the blood work results, he said that he feels that I have AR and Fybromyalgia.  Well, okay.  Let's get the right medicine going so I can get back to living!  I understand that it may not be that easy but I am not going to let this get me.

Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.  

~Sarah Ban Breathnach~

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."   ~J.R.R. Tolkien

Today I am just so darn grateful for everything and all of the wonderful people in my life.  We are meant to be brother and sister with each other, we are meant to pray for one another, we are meant to LOVE one another as we do ourselves!  The riches that come are immeasurable and not even that mean, old devil can take away all of that good!

What are you grateful for?

One day at a time...

Oh my goodness, I just have not had the energy to write anything lately...Working and sleeping seem to be all I have in me right now.  I sure do want to get feeling better and find out what is going on with me.  The good news is that I have an appointment with an arthritis specialist on Valentine's Day - special, huh?!  He is supposed to be awesome and I am so hopeful that he has some answers and I can get back on track.

I am trying, oh so hard, not to be discouraged.  It can be hard when you don't feel good but being positive and hopeful is such a better way to go. 

"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."  Philippians 4:6

I will continue to pray and praise Him!  Knowing that He has planned my every day with the upmost care and attention. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Looking forward to a rainy night tonight!  I LOVE RAIN!  Not everyday, mind you, but there is something about a rainy day or night that calms and soothes me.  It is one of those "stay home and do small projects or just gaze out the window" kind of days.

It's all a gift.

Good things!

Still dealing with too much pain and discomfort - my primary care physician feels pretty confident that I have Fybromyalgia.  However, I still have to see the arthritis specialist for more testing.  The final outcome is that I just want to live a healthy, active life - really what we all want!  On 2 new types of medications this week and seeing some improvement - YIPPEE!!!!!

I can't help but think about those who may not have such optimism or the options of trying new medications.  Is there always reason to hope or does there come a time when "we know", we just know?  I have watched 3 friends die in the last several years of cancer.  I can't even begin to explain what an experience that was.  The change starts immediately once someone finds out that they are facing cancer.  It's like God covers the person completely and they seem so strong.  Then, there is this peace that takes over and they seem to know and see things that we don't.  Watching my friends wasn't a scary experience at all, it was amazing and my heart was forever affected.

                         

                                                   Ellie has noticed that she has gained a few pounds!

                                                           This just makes me happy!

Despite all of the pain and discomfort, there have been so many blessings too!  The wonderful friends and family who call to pray for me and encourage me to stay focused.  I really believe that a person's attitude can make a lot of difference in the outcome of certain situations.  I also know that God is all that I need, at all times, in every situation.

Thanks for listening...until next time :)