I haven't posted for awhile because I just didn't think I could. There's that saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well, I haven't had a whole lot of nice to say! I feel guilty even writing that because there is ALWAYS something nice to say.
So, as I sit here tonight, my mouth is full of ulcers from a medication called methotrexate. This medication is used to treat cancer and also rheumatoid arthritis. WAIT! Hold up. CaNcEr?? With side effects like ulcers, hair loss, skin rash and diarrhea, to name a few, I wasn't too thrilled. However, it meant that I could get off of steroids and with my increasingly unpredictable behavior, that seemed like a good idea. I only have one more treatment...hopefully!
I have had some good days but more bad than good. Often the pain is jolting and while I have become used to it, my face tells a different tale. It is difficult to hide when you are in pain. I have tried to plow on and haven't missed any work (pat on the shoulder!), maintained an acceptable home, kept the laundry done and most importantly, Ellie's litter box is sparkling clean!
Sometimes no matter how strong, faithful or positive we try to be, we can get that choking feeling. Choking = worry, fear, shame, doubt, anxiety, hopelessness and stress. I know I feel choked about a lot of things right now.
"We have to depend on God and not our own wisdom for our journey."
"God, take what is broken in me - I am who you say I am."
And when I give thanks for the seemingly microscopic, I make a place for God to grow within me. This, this, makes me full, and I "magnify him with thanksgiving" (Psalm 69:30), and God enters the world.
Gratitude in the midst of death, divorce, illness or debt - that's the language I've got to learn to speak - because that's the kind of life I'm living, the kind I have to solve. We must learn to be grateful and happy, whether hands full or hands empty, hearts happy or sad and whether we are with illness or well.
What I have learned...
~ ~ We control so little. Really. It's God who decides it all. Not us.
~ ~ I can't write this story differently - it was written for me a long time ago by Him
~ ~ I have learned to be content with whatever I have
~ ~ To name grace moments
Kristi
