Grace moments...

I haven't posted for awhile because I just didn't think I could.  There's that saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  Well, I haven't had a whole lot of nice to say!  I feel guilty even writing that because there is ALWAYS something nice to say.

So, as I sit here tonight, my mouth is full of ulcers from a medication called methotrexate.  This medication is used to treat cancer and also rheumatoid arthritis.  WAIT!  Hold up.  CaNcEr??  With side effects like ulcers, hair loss, skin rash and diarrhea, to name a few, I wasn't too thrilled.  However, it meant that I could get off of steroids and with my increasingly unpredictable behavior, that seemed like a good idea.  I only have one more treatment...hopefully!

I have had some good days but more bad than good.  Often the pain is jolting and while I have become used to it, my face tells a different tale.  It is difficult to hide when you are in pain.  I have tried to plow on and haven't missed any work (pat on the shoulder!), maintained an acceptable home, kept the laundry done and most importantly, Ellie's litter box is sparkling clean!

Sometimes no matter how strong, faithful or positive we try to be, we can get that choking feeling.  Choking = worry, fear, shame, doubt, anxiety, hopelessness and stress.  I know I feel choked about a lot of things right now.

"We have to depend on God and not our own wisdom for our journey."

"God, take what is broken in me - I am who you say I am."

And when I give thanks for the seemingly microscopic, I make a place for God to grow within me.  This, this, makes me full, and I "magnify him with thanksgiving" (Psalm 69:30), and God enters the world.

Gratitude in the midst of death, divorce, illness or debt - that's the language I've got to learn to speak - because that's the kind of life I'm living, the kind I have to solve.  We must learn to be grateful and happy, whether hands full or hands empty, hearts happy or sad and whether we are with illness or well.

What I have learned...

~ ~ We control so little.  Really.  It's God who decides it all.  Not us.
~ ~ I can't write this story differently - it was written for me a long time ago by Him
~ ~ I have learned to be content with whatever I have
~ ~ To name grace moments

Kristi

Too soon, too fast.

I got too excited, too fast,  Too hopeful, too fast.  I am hurting and it has been a difficult day.  Bummed.  Frustrated. 

The sweet, sweet taste of Relief

Oh my goodness!  It is amazing what a difference just 4 or 5 days can make.

I started a round of Prednisone last Thursday and I am happy to say that I am much improved.  You know, at some point, the body has to get some relief. I believe that the mind is working overload also.   I know for myself, I was trying to process in my mind how was I going to continue to deal with such physical pain for an extended period of time.  I knew that my focus would have to be God and prayer.  I was taking every distraction out of my life that I could. . . facebook, talking on the phone, going outside of the house for nothing except work and any other isolation that I could think of that might distract me from my focus.  To be honest I worried that I wasn't going to make it.  Some might think that is odd, I mean we aren't talking about an amputated leg or some horrifyingly aggressive "monster inside of me" kind of situation!

This whole situation does have me thinking though.  I wonder if we have challenges in life because we need a wake up call?  What does it say about our character how we react to challenges?  You know, "God never gives us more than we can handle."

"Blessed be the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."     James 1:12

My husband's mother, Mary, was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we were married.  It was just 5 short months later that she passed.  Such a terrible loss.  She NEVER complained!  I know she had to have been in horrible pain - she was on morphine shortly after her diagnosis but she was so graceful.  So accepting of her unwelcome fate.  What a lady.

I want to be that way everyday.

One more thing....

"I don't want to wait anymore.  I choose to believe that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day.  I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold.  The big moments are the daily tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another.  That's the drama of life, swirling all around us, and generally I don't even see it, because I am too busy waiting to become whatever it is that I think I am about to become.  The big moments are in every hour, every conversation, every meal, every meeting."

~ Cold tangerines by Shauna Niequist

Hopeful......Grateful......Faithful

Today was my BIG day!  Yesterday, I stayed home from work nursing the cold that my husband shared with me when I received a phone call from the arthritis specialist.  Can you come in on Thursday?  What?  YES, I can come in on Thursday!  I would have jumped for joy but the truth is that I am in no physical state to jump BUT my heart was jumping with happiness.

 This is Ellie keeping me company while I rested.  Believe it or not, 

she will start sneezing if we are sick!

So, I call my sweet husband, I call my friend Donna and my Aunt & Uncle to tell them all the good news.  A "time sensitive" email was sent out to our Bible group to let them know as well.  And I let work know that I would be late.  Whew!

This morning we met with Dr. Coutlakis, who is awesome by the way, and he basically told me to start talking, he typed and interjected if he had any questions.  This went on for about an hour.  He did  a quick exam and sent me off for blood work.  He made some adjustments in medication and started me on something new.  Without the benefit of knowing the blood work results, he said that he feels that I have AR and Fybromyalgia.  Well, okay.  Let's get the right medicine going so I can get back to living!  I understand that it may not be that easy but I am not going to let this get me.

Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.  

~Sarah Ban Breathnach~

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."   ~J.R.R. Tolkien

Today I am just so darn grateful for everything and all of the wonderful people in my life.  We are meant to be brother and sister with each other, we are meant to pray for one another, we are meant to LOVE one another as we do ourselves!  The riches that come are immeasurable and not even that mean, old devil can take away all of that good!

What are you grateful for?

One day at a time...

Oh my goodness, I just have not had the energy to write anything lately...Working and sleeping seem to be all I have in me right now.  I sure do want to get feeling better and find out what is going on with me.  The good news is that I have an appointment with an arthritis specialist on Valentine's Day - special, huh?!  He is supposed to be awesome and I am so hopeful that he has some answers and I can get back on track.

I am trying, oh so hard, not to be discouraged.  It can be hard when you don't feel good but being positive and hopeful is such a better way to go. 

"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."  Philippians 4:6

I will continue to pray and praise Him!  Knowing that He has planned my every day with the upmost care and attention. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Looking forward to a rainy night tonight!  I LOVE RAIN!  Not everyday, mind you, but there is something about a rainy day or night that calms and soothes me.  It is one of those "stay home and do small projects or just gaze out the window" kind of days.

It's all a gift.

Good things!

Still dealing with too much pain and discomfort - my primary care physician feels pretty confident that I have Fybromyalgia.  However, I still have to see the arthritis specialist for more testing.  The final outcome is that I just want to live a healthy, active life - really what we all want!  On 2 new types of medications this week and seeing some improvement - YIPPEE!!!!!

I can't help but think about those who may not have such optimism or the options of trying new medications.  Is there always reason to hope or does there come a time when "we know", we just know?  I have watched 3 friends die in the last several years of cancer.  I can't even begin to explain what an experience that was.  The change starts immediately once someone finds out that they are facing cancer.  It's like God covers the person completely and they seem so strong.  Then, there is this peace that takes over and they seem to know and see things that we don't.  Watching my friends wasn't a scary experience at all, it was amazing and my heart was forever affected.

                         

                                                   Ellie has noticed that she has gained a few pounds!

                                                           This just makes me happy!

Despite all of the pain and discomfort, there have been so many blessings too!  The wonderful friends and family who call to pray for me and encourage me to stay focused.  I really believe that a person's attitude can make a lot of difference in the outcome of certain situations.  I also know that God is all that I need, at all times, in every situation.

Thanks for listening...until next time :)

Help Wanted - Everyday!

Borrowed from Beth Moore ~ Breaking Free, Day by Day.

When my sweet daddy had a stroke, I rode with him in the ambulance.  The paramedics were wonderful and, although I appreciated what they did in our period of crisis, we didn't trade phone numbers or plan to have lunch.

Sometimes we approach God the same way.  He gets us through an emergency, and we appreciate it.  But we don't necessarily stay in close touch once the trouble passes.  It is not during crisis, however, that we develop an appreciation for God's presence.  Pure appreciation for His presence emerges from the daily walk, in the mundane more than the miraculous.

Happy are the people who know the joyful shout:  Lord, they walk in the light of Your presence.  Psalm 89:15

Isn't it amazing that we know exactly who to run to when tragedy strikes?  If only it were so automatic to run to Him when things are going well.  He wants us ANYTIME!

I'm not writing this story!

My Aunt recently sent me a book titled, "One Thousand Gifts" ~ A dare to LIVE FULLY right where you are.  It has me thinking...can I come up with 1000 gifts?  Is anyone REALLY happy right where they are?  Doesn't it seem ungrateful to always want more, expect more and believe you deserve more?

I am in a lot of physical pain most of the day.  Waiting to see a specialist to figure out what is going on.  It is my challenge to be grateful for every day even though they might be filled with pain, fear and uncertainty.  My life is a gift.  I have AT LEAST 1000 reasons to be thankful.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called
according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28

I don't understand why I am in so much pain but I do know that my life is His plan.  He has a reason for everything. 

Meet Ellie!

Ellie is my sweet, sweet baby girl.  I have never had a pet that I bonded with like her.  She is such great company and just a sweetheart!

The good ~ the bad and the ugly

"Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?"  Job 2:10

Gimme the good, I'll skip the bad please!  Sounds like I am ordering in a restaurant. 

Wouldn't that be easy?  Or would it?  What if...we never had money problems, employment issues, marital tension OR children with special needs?  Would life be perfect?  I think not!!

Why me?  Why not me?  Having life struggles help remind us that we are not in charge AT ALL.  Believe me, I have tried to control my life all by myself and it did not work AT ALL.  In our darkest, scariest times we realize that our peace does not come from within.  It comes from God.

My son is currently residing at a facility designed to teach life skills and a trade so that these special young people can have fulfilling and productive lives.  My son came home during Christmas break and I realized that I had put all of my eggs in one basket.  Just because my son completes this program does not mean that he is ready or even close to ready to face the real world of employment and relationships.  What was I thinking?  Ready for the "good" and done with the "bad".  Not so fast missy!

I have come to realize that I am afraid of the unknown.

I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you. 
 "Do not fear, I will help you."  Isaiah 41:13

It's okay with God for you to be scared to death.  He recognizes our fears and our insecurities.  I feel like the Spirit of God sometimes says to me, "You know, Kristi, I understand that you're not very happy about this.  I understand that you may be crying over this.  Cry, shake, whatever-but do My will, child.  Do My will.  I have victory for you."

I am afraid.  But, I trust you God and I know I am not alone.

Aches and Pains

In most life experiences, we hopefully learn to have more empathy for those who may walk in our shoes one day.  I know that going through divorce taught me to be less critical of those in a similar situation.  Many times, we think we KNOW what is going on in others' lives - but we DON'T.  Being judged by others was a very isolating experience but the reality is we are judged every day.  My heart aches for others who are in pain, whether physical or mental.   Why can't we cut each other some slack?  Am I really in a position to tell anyone what they are doing right or wrong?  The truth is that I may have life experiences that can offer insight but condemnation or judgment ISN'T my job. 

"Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar.  For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.  And he has given us this command:  Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.  1 John 4:20-21

I have been dealing with a lot of physical pain for the last 6 months.  At first, I tried to ignore it and explain it away as a pulled muscle or I slept wrong.  But, it has become unbearable.  The dreaded "F" word came up at the doctor yesterday...fibromyalgia.  Just my luck to get something that really isn't understood!  Started new medication yesterday, heading to a specialist soon and taking one day at a time.  Another new experience to share with others and a "achy, painful" body to go with it!

Blessings

Tonight my husband and I went to our weekly bible study.  It was emotional, educational and endearing.  There's something "awesome" about praying for someone who is sitting next you; someone who is hurting or scared or just needs support.  We all need prayer!  I realized that blessings are often associated with "good" events but I cannot tell you how many blessings have come out of "bad" situations in my own life.  Unimaginable growth has taken place as a result of hardship.  I wouldn't trade those life lessons for anything.

Grateful for ALL of my blessings!

Simplicity

There's something very appealing about being "simple".  Have you ever seen someone open their wallet (mostly women) and look for their i.d. or a credit card and millions (ok, that was an exageration) of receipts, papers with phone numbers and such fall out?  I don't know how you can function if your wallet is in that kind of condition!  My mind doesn't think "neat and tidy" if my home, desk at work and yes, my wallet aren't "neat and tidy" also.  I think it might be a control thing.  We all know that life isn't neat and tidy but isn't it easier when we keep things simple? 

What has happened to us?  Does it take emergencies, death, illness or life-changing events to make life-changing decisions to live simply?  Today I was off from work - I did NOTHING!  I slept until I woke up naturally and relaxed the rest of the day.  Does the house need to be cleaned?  Yes.  Do I have errands to run?  Yes.  Could I have filled my day with endless chores?  Absolutely.  But I wanted to rest.  I need rest.

A few months ago, my 7 1/2 year old neighbor died from a brain tumor.  If we are cluttered inside and out, how do we learn the lessons that are staring us in the face?  My neighbor enjoyed zebra painted toenails and shopping trips!  I love that :)  It's okay to let the grown up stuff slide occassionally - enjoy being simple.

Stuck inside - Trying to get out...the world of life with a child with mental illness

So, let's get right to it.  I have a child with mental illness and developmental delays.  Actually, he is an adult with mental illness and developmental delays.  We have been on a roller coaster ride for about 6 years now trying to figure out the mysterious, hush hush world of depression, anxiety, Aspergers, ADD and on and on and on.  It can be an isolating illness for the sufferer as well as the family.  Who could possibly understand what we have gone through or the uncertain future we face?  It has been painful, heartwrenching, exhausting and even funny at times.  There was the night that my son told me of his plans to take a knife to school the next day.  I told my then "new" husband and he said, "I'm out!"  I knew he didn't mean it, but it gave us temporary relief from the UNIMAGINABLE reality.  And so, we crossed over from a depressed teenager to the other side of decisions that no parent thinks they will ever have to make.  I am rewarded in knowing that he is God's creation and made as God intended.  I am also grateful that I have been chosen to mother this sweet creation - no matter how hard it is.

Faithfully navigating through this thing called Life

Welcome to my blog!   Looking forward to sharing my life and learning from others.  There is no way to get through life without believing that Jesus died for me and it is only because of His amazing love and gift that I am here to enjoy this beautiful life!  I am a believer and  I am a follower.  Daily life isn't always a piece of cake - there are so many challenges along the way.  But, I am hopeful to find some blogger friends and take on the challenges of life together!